LOST-Theories.com

Hey folks, this is all in fun so please do not cause a hatch lockdown to pin my spindly legs under a big, metal blast door :)

The Valenzetti equation, commissioned by the United Nations, revealed the core numbers in relation to the destruction of the human race. It predicted the date that humanity will cease and thus inspired Alvar Hanso to fund the dharma Initiative, an effort to change those numbers and save mankind from extinction. In tampering with the values of these core numbers, however, some unforeseen outcomes were triggered…outcomes which would have been much different if the dharma Initiative’s efforts had never happened.

Among these outcomes were:

• The birthrate in Indonesia drops by .0012% from 2002-2003.

• Commodity prices of petroleum products rise .031% from 2-26-04 to 5-15-07

• The flight paths of all migratory birds south of the equator deviate from prior headings by almost 2%

• Hurley looses over 250-lbs, hires Sayid to assassinate Jared and takes over as spokesman for Subway Restaurants.

• Kate’s butt nearly quadruples in size causing Jack to no longer check it out. (without the dharma Initiative efforts, her butt would only have tripled in size)

• Ben’s eyes recede back into his skull making him look normal and forcing Sawyer to come up with a nickname for him other than “bug eyes”

• Michael screams “waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalt…” 46,299 more times (without the dharma Initiative efforts, he would have screamed it only 46,271 times.)

• Anna Lucia comes back to life, buys all of Rachael Ray’s cookbooks and opens a fondue restaurant in Tempe, Arizona.

• Sawyer shaves, gets a haircut and starts wearing Dockers pants. (without the dharma Initiative efforts, he would have just gotten old and fat and bought a Bo-Jangles franchise.)

• Rose and Bernard have cute little arguments (some things never change)

• Danielle Russo swims to NOrth AMerica and becomes a successful real estate agent with Re/Max

• John Locke is still bald but grows tremendous amounts of nose and ear hair which he shaves with one of his 400 knives. He forms the shaven hairs into toupee’s for the Island’s rapidly-dwindling supply of male wild boars so they will look better in the hopes that they will find it easier to pick up “boar chicks” and repopulate the species. (people like meat)

• The Beach Boys release a “Tribute To Drive Shaft” CD with a special performance of “Good Vibrations” which is recorded under water.

• Nikki and Paulo are still dead and concrete is poured over their shallow graves…you know, like Chernobyl. (Whew! That was a close one.)

• Alex and Carl go on a 7-state annoyance spree ending in their deaths at the hands of a group of irritated school children on a field trip to a local natural history museum. (without the dharma Initiative efforts, it would have only been a 5-state annoyance spree.)

• Richard Alpert leaves the Island, sells his 3.2-million shares of stock in the company which produces Oil of Ole’ moisturizing lotion and retires a wealthy, youthful-looking man.

• Desmond escapes the Island only to be convicted of operating a sailboat under the influence of alcohol and foretelling the future without a business permit. (same thing they got Dion Warwick for)

• Daniel Faraday becomes just slightly less strange. (without the dharma Initiative efforts, he would have landed an acting role in the biographical film “The Life And Times Of Christopher Walken.)

• Patchy leaves the Island, gets an agent and writes a series of successful children’s’ books called “We Live On The Island Of Never Give A Straight Friggin’ Answer About Any Of The Mysteries.”

• The smoke monster starts doing public service commercials that tell children to never use tobacco products

• Hollywood movie producers dig up Ethan Rom’s body and sign him to star in the movie “Weekend At Bernie’s-11.

• Juliet becomes a high school guidance counselor and advises students that they should help her kill the principal and that she will protect them if they do.

• The TV-show “Hee-Haw” comes back on the air though most of the show’s performers are dead.

• Nuclear reactor waste stored on the Earth’s Moon explodes, causing it, along with the inhabitants of Moonbase Alpha, to hurtle out of the solar system and into the depths of unexplored space. (Oh wait, that’s the plot for the TV-show Space: 1999…never mind.)

• Sayid stops assassinating people and starts working at a quickie-mart (Good call Sawyer)

• Charlotte’s skin becomes even paler until she eventually becomes invisible, thus challenging Jacob for the position of “scary invisible Island person.”

• Miles opens a “french-fried grenades on a stick” stand in L.A. Business is booming!

• Barbara Walters interviews the Island…it cries.

• George Bush declares war on the Others, tries to invade the island but unfortunately nukes Tahiti by mistake. (without the dharma Initiative efforts, he would have nuked the Cook Islands)

• The Chinese finally give up and start celebrating New Years on January 1st.

• Christian Sheppard embarks on a successful television career with guest appearances on the TV-shows “CSI-Miami,” “csi-suv,” “csi-Outer Mongolia,” “CSI-WTF?” and “CSI-Enough With These Damned CSI shows Already.” He also hosts the show “Dancing With The Dead Stars.”

• When Widmore Industries goes bankrupt, Penny Widmore becomes homeless and is forced to sell herself on the streets of Liverpool just to pay for her electromagnetic differential grid searches.

• Jin and Sun are rescued and immediately join the cast of the upcoming season of the TV-show “Survivor.” They eat the rest of the contestants in the first episode and are declared the winners. (without the dharma Initiative efforts, Jin would have accidentally voted himself off of the show because of his poor English language skills…and he would be drunk.)

• Claire becomes a Herbalife sales rep and is killed by an angry mob of people who hate those who staple promotional fliers on telephone poles.

• Mr. Eko is resurrected and starts an automobile club for recovering alcoholics in Australia called AA-AAA of A He then sells the franchise rights for the club to a company in Canada where it is called Eh-Eh-Eh-Eh-Eh-of Canada…in New York City the franchise is called Fkin” Aye-Aye-Aye-Aye-Aye-of Da Bronx…it is run by the Fonze…and is brought to you by the letter A and the numbers 4,8,15,16,23,42…you can stop me at any time. I‘m not kidding…please, for God‘s sake, stop me.)

• The Polar Bears appear on American Idol and take fifth place. Though not winning first prize, they parlay their appearance into a long and successful country music recording career.

• Charlie’s body washes up onto the shores of Southern California where horrified music fans and dissapointed heroin addicts immediately push it back into the water. (without the dharma Initiative efforts, his body would have washed ashore in Youngstown, Ohio.)

• After an arduous journey, the Battlestar Galactica finds Earth. Unfortunately, they land on the Lost Island causing the population to instantly go from about 65 people to over 31,000…Locke is NOT happy about the new arrivals!

Baby Aaron grows up and is quite a celebrity. Unfortunately he doesn’t adjust well when his celebrity ends and he winds up robbing some convenient stores and, since kate raised him, ends the eternal “nature versus nurture” debate once and for all. p.s. Walt drives the getaway car!

And finally…

• Without the dharma Initiative efforts the guy writing this never gets obsessed with a TV-show about air-crash survivors stranded on a mysterious Island and actually leads a fairly normal life.

Key characters

Short Name	Full Name	Episodes	Theories
Desmond	Desmond David Hume	2.23, 3.17, 4.5	851
Jack	Jack Shephard	1.1, 1.5, 2.11, 1.11, 1.16, 1.20, 3.9, 3.22, 3.1, 4.10, 4.12, & 3” href=”/episodes/theres-no-place-home-parts-2-3/”>4.13	1451
Kate	Katherine “Kate” Austen	3.6, 1.2, 1.3, 2.9, 1.12, 1.16, 1.22, 3.15, 4.4, 4.12	711
Sawyer	James “Sawyer” Ford	3.4, 2.3, 2.6, 2.13, 1.16, 3.10	451
Sayid	Sayid Jarrah	2.14, 1.9, 3.11, 4.3, 4.12	387

Key events

Theme	Relevant Episodes	Theories
Oceanic Flight 815 crashes	1.1	582

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